I drink tap water. People tell me I should not drink tap water. My girlfriend says it tastes vile and squalid. I do not believe she can actually tell a difference between tap water and water that runs through a filter. I think she has been fooled, like the rest of the world, into thinking tap water is bad and she needs to buy overpriced filtered water and drink it.

Are the dangers of tap water another hoax created by China? Is China grabbing our pussy and secretly making water filters in Germany in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive?

I don’t know. Ask Trump. But I’m skeptical of Brita. Big corporations. I’m suspicious of Stephen Curry’s ability to decipher the evidence. He opted out of his senior year at Davidson.

Maybe you should infuse your water with kale, you hippy. Take your super water and suck it up your butt. I will be drinking tap water and I do not care what the world says. No kale for me. No almond milk. No pomegranate super food. Nothing. As a matter of fact, if you say it’s a super food, I will put it into my mouth, chew it up real good, and barf it up like a dog on your fair trade hand-loomed ivory wool rug from West Elm. On purpose.

You know what’s a super food? Tap water. When I was a kid, I would often come home as dirty as that Pig Pen kid that was friends with Charlie Brown. My mother would not let me into the house. Instead, she would make me strip down to my underwear on the back porch and spray me off with a high pressure water hose like I was a looting rioter.

“All clean, get your ass in the house,” she’d say.

I secretly make coffee with tap water, and nobody knows it. That makes me happy. I watch Courtney sip on her coffee, and I know it is filled with hard tap water fueled by chlorine and fluoride and other things that are not “super.” I just made your coffee with the same water that is in the toilet. Poop from porcelain. The same water I hose my dog down with after he runs through the creek in the woods. The same water my own mother sprayed me down with when I played in muddy ditches. I may as well scoop a half gallon out of the top of the toilet and brew some “super coffee” for you.

I love you, tap water, and the municipal source you came from.