I am 33 years old now, and my body does weird things. It makes noises like the floor of an antique shop. You walk across the smelly, musty place and the floor beneath creaks and growls at you as you go to look at that Old Aunt Jemima cookie jar, thinking about the racist asshole advertisers that invented her to sell pancakes and syrup, painting the face black and making the porcelain decoration as a reminder of the tasty, sweet breakfast treat, and of oppression in America. Of Minstrel Show origin, she is still celebrated today, right there in the freezer aisle!

Back to the noises, stairs pull the air from my lungs like a child denied an Oreo, and my knees and ankles pop like pop rocks with Coca-Cola. Like Black Cats in a Folger’s Can. I retch and heave. People ask if I’m ok. That’s kind of them. Also, a sad reminder of the shape that I am not in. Sometimes I skip steps when I’m feeling froggy. That makes my groin area hurt for a few days and pains my chest. I used to be able to run a mile in 10 minutes when I was in 5^th grade. Since then, it’s been all cigarettes and alcohol. Downhill in a rush like an avalanche of Cheese Puffs and Cherry Pop Tarts all coming down on my heart and lungs. I bet if you opened me up right now, my lungs would be coated in queso dip, like a smoker’s lungs with tar.

My rogue diet has left me afflicted with acid reflux. I went to a reliable and scholarly research website so I could give you, the reader, the exact definition. Per the source, Wikipedia, the definition of Acid Reflux is a long-term condition where stomach contents come back up into the esophagus resulting in either symptoms or complications. Esophagus was hard to spell—the first time around, Microsoft Word offered me no spelling suggestions, but after a few more tries, I had enough of the alphabet in there to get a suggestion. Also, the source says that my problem is due to poor closure of the lower esophageal sphincter. Embarrassing. I only know that word from Beavis and Butthead and I think it means your butthole. In the western world, some 20% are affected by this devastating disease.

Acid reflux manifests itself in many ways. For me, it burns my throat. It’s like when you puke, but the puke is just chilling in there, burning and churning. It keeps me up at night, that damn reflux. I take Nexium, but sometimes it doesn’t work. Acid Reflux keeps me up at night, has me thinking about life. Deep thoughts.

Up late one night, I was worried I’d go blind. In my younger years, I spent a lot of time in the sun, at the beach, and in a tanning bed. I watched every episode of Jersey Shore and all I wanted was to Gym, Tan, Laundry, and get big in the gym. I gained 90 pounds and was tan and jacked, as I used to say as I walked the beach, telling everyone where it was with my biceps. And if you are reading this and think I am embellishing this, I am, unfortunately, not even in the slightest making one bit of this up. I’m not proud. I weighed 140 pounds, lifted a lot of weights and ate every 2 hours and after a few years, I weighed 230 pounds. I would eat until I couldn’t breathe. So, up late, I was convinced that I would be blind. It festered with me for hours and I lost an entire night of sleep. My eyes began to hurt as I thought about getting on the city transit and jamming out my blind person walking stick and stepping in dog shit because I couldn’t see where I was walking. Maybe I’d be the next Ray Charles of something, the brighter, more positive side of me thought at 3am. Probably not, I don’t have any skills. I can’t play music and I hate Diet Pepsi. I like aspartame and Pepsi doesn’t use that acid. Then, as soon as I realize that I drink more aspartame than actual water, I am tormented internally about my internals manifesting themselves into formaldehyde as I choke back a Diet Coke with my Nexium. How long have I been drinking Diet Coke? Shoot, ten years I say to myself. I might have Alzheimer’s right now. Artificial sweeteners do that. Good Morning America did a study; I saw it and I know it! Then the clock hits 3:00am exactly, and I remember that movie The Exorcism of Emily Rose. 3:00am is the witching hour and I feel another presence in the room. I grab my phone and shine the light all around me, I see a shadow that has a shape and I shine my light that way! Nothing there that I can tell, so I get up to pee, looking all around me like a cop entering a house on a drug bust. I pee, look behind me again, piss all over the seat, then sneak back to bed. I am wondering if my demeanor is changing. Am I the same person? Am I a host? Did I pay my car insurance? Could I be getting a better rate? When I hit that chick, did my rate go up? Do I have an STD? Let’s go to YouTube and see if I can watch Perfect Strangers! Who played Balki?

Acid Reflux is a pair of Nikes and my mind is Forrest Gump. It’s both slow and just keeps on running. Have I taken too much ibuprofen in my life? My buddy’s wife works at a kidney dialysis center and she says that many of her patients are there because they took too much ibuprofen and Tylenol and all that and have bad kidneys now. I had a neck problem from the days I was getting swole at the gym, and I got frequent headaches. I used to say “hey, do you know a doctor, because these puppies are sick,” as I flexed my arms over my head and twisted my body side to side like I was looking for a demon at 3:00am. Never occurred to me until 3:05 am that my joke was dumb and people might not have thought that was funny—and I need to go to the doctor.