6:00 A.M. Wake up. Well, I’ve been up for hours. I’ve been chasing tremors under the comforter in the human’s bed. The human, he must feel them too, as he’s been tossing and turning all night long. He shouted my name no less than ten times throughout the night. He obviously needs my help with the tremors. I feel like Kevin Bacon.

6:10 A.M. I clean the bathroom counter as the human is bathing himself. He’s disgusting. Items I had to remove from counter: Battery powered toothbrush, toothpaste (heavy, carried off by mouth), empty can of Hamm’s beer, pomade, water bottle, wedding ring, comb, beard oil, facial moisturizer, water cup, chap-stick, hand lotion. Why does he have all of this? Where the fuck am I supposed to sit at anyway? Problem solved!

6:15 A.M. The human exits bathing facility. Curses at me. Fuck him.

6:25 A.M. Rub my face and body all over his garments that he’s set out for the day. This infuriates the human. I laugh on the inside.

6:40 A.M. Interval training! Sprints in the hallway paired with stair climbing. Exercise is scientifically proven to increase the life span of the feline. The human shouts.

7:00 A.M. The human serves me breakfast. I wish he hadn’t waited until 7:00 A.M. I’ve been up for hours now protecting him from bed tremors. What the hell kinda monster is in his bed anyway? The man’s an idiot and lucky to have me in his life as protector and guardian. I’ve also worked out. I need simple carbs and protein to lower cortisol in my body and for general muscular and central nervous system recovery. Lean and mean!

7:15 A.M. Poop. Spread litter all over the floor. The human shouts.

7:17 A.M. The human picks up my poop. He gags and coughs as he shovels out my excrement. I latch on to the bare skin of his leg with my claws and bite him because I’m a cat and I’m a dick. The human gags and curses now.

7:30 A.M. The human packs his lunch on the counter. I jump on the counter. He removes me. I jump on the counter. He removes me. I jump on the counter. He removes me. I jump on the counter. He removes me. I jump on the counter. He removes me. I jump on the counter. He removes me.

7:35 A.M. Door opens to garage. I break out full blast at the opening. The human sticks out his foot to block me. Successful block. I do a 360-degree spin and he blocks me with his left foot. He drops his can of Barq’s Root Beer on the floor. Can explodes. I dart off for the garage. Climb to the top of the shelving unit he has. I knock stuff off as fast as my paws will paw! Screwdrivers! Tape Measure! Baseballs! Drill! Cooler won’t budge. Glass cup with screws in it. Human shouts. Glass breaks. He reaches his hands out to get me. I jump behind the fridge. Hunkered down, I’m prepared to wait it out.

7:38 A.M. Still behind the fridge.

7:40 A.M. He moves the fridge. I run inside.

7:42 A.M. The human uses paper towels to wipe up root beer off the floor. I saunter over to investigate. Human has spray bottle in hand. I’m on high alert. It’s him or me. I leverage my hind legs and catapult into the air. The lid isn’t on top of the trash can. Oh shit! I’m in the trash can.

7:42:30 A.M. There is Italian Beef in my fucking hair.

7:42:40. I leap out of trash can, right into the root beer. Go for the stairs. Slide on the hardwood floor. Run into spray bottle. SPRAY BOTTLE NO! My paws won’t get traction. Human reaches for me. I dig my claws into his arm as hard as I can. I won’t be taken alive. He pulls back. I arch my back and springboard for higher ground. Oh shit I forgot the lid isn’t on the trash can. FUCK!

7:44 A.M. Human is wiping me off. I can do it myself, asshole.

7:45 A.M. Human pulls car out of driveway and leaves for work. I stare down upon him from the upstairs window. He runs over the trash can.

7:46 A.M. Sleep.